It usually starts like a lot of life's crises, with denial. You catch a hint of flatulent aroma, and you deny that it's a Real Poopy. Nah, you think, it's just a fart. The baby even looks embarrassed, smiling behind her hand and saying esqueeze me, her vernacular for excuse me. Yep, probably just a fart. See how she is still walking normally, not the wide-stance duck step of a full load in the trunk?
But the aroma reaches your nostrils once more. This time denial is becoming defiance. Your denial is like an eight-ton African elephant. Hard to move and even harder to kill. Your denial is substantial because you know what is coming: you must Change the Diaper. Denial evolves to anger. Why me? Why could the baby not have waited one more hour until Mommy gets home?
Now you must form a plan. The plan must be simple: change the diaper. You can not stray from the plan. You can not vary the plan. You must execute the plan. Your goal is a clean baby, even at the expense of a beshitted parent.
The reason we do this is to practice good hygiene for the baby. If you have ever cleaned dried waste off of a baby bottom, you know what a difficult and unfortunate thing that can be for both parent and baby. Poopy, when dried, can be akin to pine tar. Imagine removing pine tar from your delicate underside with a wipie. OK, stop imagining.
You practice good hygiene for the baby by removing the soiled diaper, no matter how aromatic and soft, and cleaning the baby bottom, then installing a clean diaper. Sounds simple. But those blessed souls in this world who have had the opportunity to change the diaper of a healthy and powerful 18-month-old baby know it can be complex.
First, you must get the baby to the changing table. This assumes you are at home, where the majority of the poopy diapers you change will happen. I do this by tossing the baby over my shoulder, wrapping my arm around the back of her knees. It is important to use this hold as it keeps the pressure off the fresh poopy, especially if your baby is a girl baby. You do not want pressure on the poopy. Poopy is warm, wet, and gushy, and can be smeared into all sorts of nooks and crannies. You don't wish to make a sensitive and aromatic job any more difficult, do you?
Lay the baby down, and be ready to fend off the leg. Your baby is curious, and kicking the parent at the changing table stimulates her sense of wonder and delight. I remove the baby pants by grabbing them at the heel and pulling them off in one swift tug. If they don't slide off easily, consider buying larger sized clothes for your child. If your baby has a physical sense of humor, she will laugh when her legs flop on the changing table, and immediately begin to kick for your chin, as her legs are longer than they were a month ago, when she could only reach your neck.
At this point I like to remove wipies from the wipie dispenser. Wipies can not be removed with one hand. If I remove them now with two hands, they will comply, sliding gently from the dispenser with ease. If I wait until there is a soiled baby with no diaper, one hand holding the kicking leg, the wipies will no longer comply, and will stubbornly remain in the dispenser, exiting with much protest. I suspect that the wipies know what's coming and resist the task at hand. I remove at least four wipies for each fresh poopy.
Now, this next step is critical: you must evaluate the type of poopy. Dry tootsie, moist roller, smooth mushy, or pure chaos. You must also gauge volume. You must do all of this by taking a peek inside the diaper while still fastened to the baby. DO NOT remove the diaper without knowing what type of poopy you have in there. If you have a pure chaos, consider donning latex gloves before proceeding. Say a prayer, and make a reasonable covenant, like promising to feed the next stray dog that comes to your door, in the hopes that you are changing a dry tootsie.
Let us assume it is a pure chaos, since that is what most of them become anyway. This is where you might take a moment to put the baby in her crib for a few minutes and lament the task before you. Set up an air-purification system, like a HEPA filter or two candles and a fan. Some parents use a gas mask to ensure they remain standing and focused at the task.
Next, unfasten the sticky tabs and remove the diaper. Again, beware the kicking leg. She may feel freedom of the leg and give a spirited flex. Discourage arching of the back at this point. Be persuasive, as the last thing you want is for the baby to gain advantage when there is so much uncontained poopy at hand. I usually use the front of the diaper to wipe to the back, so that the baby is now laying on top of the entire diaper.
Again, evaluate the situation. Too much poopy for wipies? You have another decision to make. Take the baby to the shower and proceed in a warm water environment, or take the whole operation to the back yard and use a hose. I don’t know about you, but I have good water pressure at my house so a fierce stream of cold water on my baby’s hiney would get the job done, at the expense of a red bottom and troubled baby when finished.
poopy. Wiping poopy is a common and decent task. Poopy must be wiped. You must do the wiping. Your baby is counting on you to be there, wipe the poopy, and do a good job. Roll all the soiled wipies in the soiled diaper. If you have a Diaper Genie (a glorious diaper disposal unit that makes large and grotesque plastic sausages out of shit) put the dirty diaper in it. If you don’t, try not to think of the fecal matter that gets on your hands, the counter, the door handles, and the trash can outside as you carry the stinky soiled diaper around.
All right, you’ve got the diaper off and contained, you’ve got the baby bottom cleaned, and you are ready to put on a fresh clean diaper. Do this quickly, because your baby is loosing interest in toe-tickling your chin. Dress her quickly too, and take a hug from her as you move her from the changing table to the floor. Congratulations, your task is finished. For now.
Oh, and remember, you will never be thanked for this by the baby. Not now, and not later in life. At least not in words. Have you ever thought to thank your mother for wiping the poopy all those years? Didn’t think so. Your thanks will be a healthy and clean baby. If your baby can thank you in words, you should strongly consider potty-training.
